thoughts about suicide

*full tsundere mode*
"I- It's not like I'm gonna kill myself or anything, b-baka!"
I was raised in a religious family, and I grew up in healthy and happy surroundings.
Back then I just couldn't understand why people would like to off their life.

But now I can understand the sentiment so well.
I used to despise suicide, but that was very childish and stupid, egoselfish of me.
Suicide doesn't sound so bad now.

Like the right to live, people have right to die as well.
There are reasons for people to be driven to suicide, like love problem, money problem, job problem, family problem etc etc. Everything is worth a reason even.
Back then I couldn't understand it.

My first turning point would be Setsumi in Narcissu. When I first played the game, I thought it's silly when the protag didn't even try to stop her from drowning herself. But then I question myself: "What would I do if someone was about to commit suicide in front of my eyes? Would I help them? Would I try to stop them?" and my rhetorical question ended up answered with a no.
Then I read the second VN. Everything suddenly makes sense. Setsumi did her best. She made a right choice. I couldn't think of suicide as something vile anymore. What she did was an act of selfless love.

Sure, there might be people crying over your death, or maybe you were still indebted to them, even probably financially. But when you decided to die, you left everything behind. You have no more link to the family, friends, debt, job and everything worldly as you decided to sever your lifeline. Some said that suicide was done by sick mind, thus it is a "disease". Sure, I can't deny that either. Most people who did kill themselves probably weren't in their right mind. But there must be an even greater driving force. The things that led them to think that they're no longer worthy in this world. That eventually turned into suicidal thoughts. And when people next to them realized, it's already too late.

Mmh, long story short, I just don't hate suicide as I did before. You wanna die? Okay sure, go ahead. It's your right. But if you want to, please don't cause trouble to others. Don't just go disappearing without notifying anyone that might care about you. They might conduct a massive search and that costs a lot. Also don't bother others when all you want to do is die. Don't jump in front of working train. Don't jump in front of rushing car. Don't jump from a tall building where a lot of people might walk below on the streets. Don't jump in crowded place. A lot of people might be left traumatized. Don't cause other problems anymore.

But again, I kinda understand their sentiments. For people like that, death isn't their top priority. Sending message is. It could be their only way to tell the world how fucked were they. They could be telling people that it could ended better if only the world cared. They might want someone to stop them, even. But when the world failed their expectation, they had no other choice but to do their second top priority: to die.

There were also cases like lovers suicide and such. Woah, there's a lot of it actually. They don't want to be separated by death that they initiated to die before death separate them. That's... something.

I also have watched a case where a single mother killed her infant child and commit suicide. She had nothing, and in her head, she probably thought that her child would live in suffering. So she ended everything. That sounded sick, but for some reason I also could relate to her. If the popular beliefs state that people who committed suicide will never get to heaven, and babies are definitely going to heaven.... If she believed that and did her "sick" act, she probably did an act of sacrifice. That sounded sick but somehow I can relate. It's kind of sick that I can relate.

I have no idea why am I writing this. My mind is completely sane and I don't have suicidal thoughts either. Life is good, life is good. Okay, my life is SNAFU but even I don't want to throw my life so easily. I have a dog and I don't want to leave her alone. I am still indebted to my family. I have a few of loving friends. I still have a lot of VNs I haven't played. There's a lot of anime to come. I can't afford to die now.