silence

What's the worst feeling of all?

I think the answer is subjective to each people. Having your boss yell in front of your colleagues, accidentally cut your arm with chainsaw, wetting your shirt for washing a spoon under running water, getting arrested for uploading things, waking up in the middle of surgery, having your sandwich fall buttered-side down, forgetting your umbrella in the rainy season, having your supposedly best friend betray you, wetting your bed in college-age or a lot of other things. There are numerous, even countless things to answer that.
For me, I think I'll answer differently depending on the time and moment.

But for now I'll just say one: failing to answer the expectation of others about you.

I don't know since when, but somehow I became obsessive about accomplishing things. Back then I was really ignorant - and I believe it's still true even now - but since when I started to think about the purpose of my life. I still don't know about that, and I know that a lot people still do. Why were people born? Can't "god" just make the old ones immortal instead of having them die and "replaced" by new humans? What is this "god" trying to tell us, selfishly make people die and born? For own amusement? Or that's simply the nature way to do things? Why was I born? For what purpose I exist? Why was I born in such family? Why do I have such so-called friends? Why did I change? What made me change? And before long my head is full with mostly negative thoughts.

Academically I was just the normal average student, or someone you usually see in the background of your visual novel CG, namely Classmate A. I'm not smart, but I think I'm above average. A lot of people say that I'm brilliant but lazy, and for once I agree to them about that, but never try to change myself into a diligent person. When I get a good grade, I take that for granted, and when I get bad grade, I just go "whatever". Studying is not something I consider "like" but learning is a whole different thing. I like to learn. Even if it takes me to something unpleasant.

When I was in grade school, I got the highest IQ in the class. When I was in middle school, I was the third best in school, but when I was in high school, I almost didn't make it. My parents -albeit jokingly- asked, "What happened with you?" And I couldn't really provide any answer. I just found most of the subjects uninteresting and useless for real life application. Only few subjects I excel, and that's because I planned to go to the related subject for university.

And when I hit university, I realized that I might be the best in my high school, but my level was only that far. I was like a baby in the class of experts. Maybe I was thinking so highly of myself but ultimately my own skill had betrayed me. So I thought maybe this isn't for me. But then, what is that which is for me? Am I actually capable of doing something right? No. No. No.

Drawings and computer programming are not for me. So I turned myself to Japanese lesson. I've been translating songs, and slowly I tried translating simple comics, and I tried translating novels. Little they know that I'm not good at Japanese nor English at all. Although I'm not using machine translator, I often got stumbled on expressions I don't understand - which ultimately will bring me to Google. I considered myself pretty good, until recently my RL friends tried learning Japanese. Some of them actually went and study to Japan, even. In their very presence, again, the confidence problem I've been having since my early childhood surfaces back. My negative side tells me how a fool, a failure I am compared to them. These whole years I've been pretending to be able, pretending to understand, pretending to be good at it, while in fact I am just playing around. Not only translating Japanese or English, but also in drawing, animating, social life, work, basic human skill and everything, I know nothing at all!

You know, I have an issue of talking to people through the phone. It was stupid old thing, because when I was little I put a delivery order through the phone and beyond the line they thought it was just a prank call. Because they didn't take me seriously only one time, I have problem with picking up phone probably for the rest of my life. Unfortunately I have to make and receive phone calls in my job, and although I'm getting better handling it, ultimately I'm just pretending that I can. I'm still all shakey and unreasonably nervous having heart-thumping, mind-fuzzing and nauseating telephone experience. This is only one of the few things that caused my confidence issue.

Another childhood trauma I experienced.... I really can't tell anyone about this. No one knows about it, not even my parents, by brother, my best friend or anyone else. Just me and the perpetrator. But the perpetrator already died years ago, so in this whole world only I know about it. Is it traumatizing? I suppose so. I was so young, and something happened in childhood will have a great deal of effect. But I pretended that all of it never happened. I acted normal in front of everyone. And I guess it worked. No one suspect a thing. And I think it's great in its own way. If I talked about it to someone I think I'd broke into uncontrollable emotions and probably they'd make an even greater deal and ruckus and I'm sure it'd make me even worse.

Surprisingly something similar actually happened to my mom. When a bunch of robbers broke into our house and took almost everything we had, we were so angry, sad, confused. So, as a religious family I have, they started to ask "god" about what did we do wrong. Ultimately we received no answer from "god" so we began to search about what's wrong. My brother started to tell us that he was bullied and he felt really bitter about it - and none of us actually ever heard of it before he spoke to us. All those time I thought my brother was just like me, an average student with no problem whatsoever. I suppose we siblings really have a good knack on bottling our feelings up.
Then my father silently told my mom to tell "her issue". When she was telling her story, I finally understand. Everything seemed to be connected in line. When I had that horrible thing happened to me I wondered why must that happened, to me of all people. Then I received an answer. Probably something like "curse" running in our family.
But I still had no plan to tell them about what happened with me.

Speaking of which, almost none of my closest friends actually know that my family was robbed. I was honestly confused and wanted to break like a overflowed dam, I wanted someone to ask me what's wrong, I wanted to tell them how I was feeling. But I just couldn't. At that moment our group of friends was dealing with someone who has her own issue, and tbh I found her annoying when she started to act like the most miserable person in the whole planet. She was dealing with heartbreak and anything and I was truly irritated because when she told me not to tell anyone, in fact she herself told everyone about it. That moment I realized that when I thought she's my best friend, maybe she doesn't and never think of me as such. Plus, I'm her childhood friend and my first kiss was with her (although yea we were playing in an act but still that's really my first kiss so goddamit gimme back my virginity!), so why didn't you come to me instead gaaaaah lol sorry jk really jkjkjk

After dealing with her I thought maybe it's inappropriate for me to suddenly cry in front of them, playing the drama queen "OMG my house just got robbed blah etc" as I'm not expecting them to do anything about it. Do I want them to help me financially? No. Do I want them to pity me? Absolutely no. If I told them, I could only unleash my temporary emotion and nothing more, if not making them troubled by the sudden bad news. So I decided not to tell anyone about it. Only one actually came and asked me personally, so that person is the only one amongst my friends to know that it was very unpleasant for me.

I came to a realization just recently. I thought I only have few, but best friends ever. I thought I have a great relationship with them. We've been in touch, we've been having events twice a year and irregular bimonthly meet. Although they're a great group of friends, I know that I'm not really anybody's friend. I might think of them as my friend but I don't know it they actually think the same.




I hope no one's reading this. This is ridiculous.