reoccurring

Maybe it's because I'm now really into Kagerou Project. Yeah, maybe because of that.

Around yesterday I had a dream about someone very dear to me. She was dying and all, I tried any means to save her, with tears all over my face. I tried and I tried. But she didn't make it. I tried again and again. It was repeated over and over again. None worked.

And then I woke up. She was already gone for a long time now, so in the first place I didn't have to save her over and over again. She's not here anymore.


I don't often dream about those ones who had left me. My closest relative was my grandmother, and she already died long ago too. Though I think I never had a dream about her.

But this one who appeared in my dream yesterday, she was my best friend. Actually when she died I was kind of glad that she doesn't have to struggle with her pain any longer. I know it's a given that she should die at that day. Half of me was screaming, hoping that I can save her somehow. But the other half told me to let her go. So I let her go. I shouldn't be selfish. She had given me a great companionship, better than any I could ask for.

I guess it's my second, no, third (or maybe more?) time I had a dream about her. I guess the first time she was there in my dream, and in that dream I know that she already died. In that dream I was so emotional, I was crying in joy. I asked her "Why are you here?" with tears. She didn't reply me. She just silently watching me with her smile.

The dream yesterday, I was not in the state where I realized that she already died. Which is why I struggled in my dream. Goddamnit, that pain of losing someone important to you, why must I feel it more than once?